Airport Delays

The time you spend at an airport could cut days offthousand miles off course is certainly a "minor
your vacation.This is the time of year when manymiscalculation." You suddenly feel lucky to still be
people interrupt their busy lives to get away from itinside the solar system.In an effort to calm some of
all. Some call it a vacation. Others call it "ten days atthe irate passengers, the pilot adds that the
the airport." The airlines don't care what you call it asstopover will be "short." Now you go into a panic.
long as you're literate enough to understand theDoes he mean "short" like in "small" and "minor?" That
meaning of the two most important words in thecould be a major problem -- the lease on your
English language -- "delayed" and "cancelled." In fact,apartment runs out in a few short months. You try
these two words are more important than learningexplaining to the stewardess that you can't afford
how to use a life jacket. Because the odds of going"short" stopovers -- you tied your dog down to a
down in a plane these days are very slim, due to thepole at Kennedy airport, not expecting to be gone
fact that the odds of going up in one in the firstfor too long. You get the typical response, "Am I
place is practically nil. But not fully comprehendingflying the plane?" I usually respond, "Well neither is
these two words can mean spending days at anthe pilot -- how about letting me take a shot at
airport, literally not knowing whether you're coming orit?"Naturally, the "short" stopover turns into another
going.The inefficiency of some airlines brings a verylong, airport coffee interlude. You now rack up
disturbing thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon beenenough cups to become an honorary citizen of Brazil,
dependent on this mode of transportation, there's aand wind up with enough caffeine in your system to
good chance Florida would have been discovered byrevive a comatose patient just by breathing in his
Cuban "boat people." Americans, as a result, woulddirection. Then comes the good news: sleeping on
have been deprived of an abundance of robustyour suitcase at an El Paso airport is a lot safer than
sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome orangesleeping inside a vault in some New York
juice. And god knows how Don Johnson's careerneighborhoods. That's really great news. Next time
would've gotten started.To say that planes seldomyou'll bring along your safe deposit box.You eventually
take off on time is like saying chickens seldom ridetake off again. This time you know your plane is
bicycles. And when the former does happen, it'sheaded in the right direction because the pilot is using
almost as amazing as the latter. Spending eighta new navigational method -- he's following a flock of
frustrating hours in an airline terminal building drinkingmigrating Hummingbirds. The reasoning behind this is
coffee, reading newspapers, and catnapping as youvery simple: you never see a flock of Hummingbirds
wait to board a plane, makes you wonder whetherstranded inside a terminal building. Conclusion: they
the advertisement, "Come, fly with us," really means,must know where they're going.You land in Florida,
"Come, stay with us."You finally board a plane, and,kiss the ground, quickly run over to the luggage
"Fly our friendly skies," begins to sound more like,carousel, and have horrifying visions about kissing
"Taxi our friendly runways" - an hour later you're stillyour suitcase good-by. The suitcase situation is like a
on the ground. And you're sure the pilot must bemystical experience - you spend a fortune on a
breaking in either the tires or the runway. Your onlysuitcase with all sorts of locks and zippers so that
hope is that the airline isn't breaking in the pilot.Thatnot even Houdini could get in, then you need a
long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally arrives as apsychic to find it. And this is what makes or breaks a
total shock. It's the last thing you expect. Youvacation. Ultimately, you'll find two kinds of people in
wonder, is it really happening, or are you in a flighta vacation resort: those who are having a good time,
simulator? You order a meal, and, sure enough, itand those who've lost their suitcases at the airport.
confirms your trip's unquestionable reality - althoughYet, people never learn. There are precautions you
flights can be simulated, no technology on earth iscan take to greatly reduce the chances of a
advanced enough to artificially recreate alost-suitcase catastrophe. When flying to Florida, for
malnourished tuna fish sandwich and a small, skinnyinstance, always ship your luggage to Okinawa. This
pickle on the side which look as "good" as thecovers you from two angles. First, your luggage is
originals. This is the real thing alright!You sit back. Youhighly unlikely to ever arrive in Okinawa, and
relax. And the worst is over.Not quite.Only a shorttherefore has a better chance of arriving in Florida
while into the flight, the pilot comes on the PAthan if you had sent it to Florida to begin with. Then,
system: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this isin the unlikely event that your luggage does arrive in
your captain speaking." (It's a good thing pilots alwaysOkinawa, you must remember that for you, as a
precede their announcements with this phrase.passenger on a domestic flight, to wind up in
Otherwise, passengers might think it's FranciscoOkinawa is not all that improbable. So, no matter
Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a K-Mart special.) Thewhat happens, there's a good chance you'll have
pilot announces that due to a "minor miscalculation"what to wear.Josh Greenberger: A computer
the plane will be making a "small" detour through Elconsultant for over two decades, the author has
Paso, Texas. You quickly take out your calculator anddeveloped software for such organizations as NASA's
try to figure out how a plane on a two and a halfGoddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, Charles
hour, non-stop flight from New York to Florida canSchwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank.
make a "small" detour through El Paso, Texas. YourSince 1984, the author's literary works have
only answer is that the pilot must be an aspiringappeared in such periodicals as The New York Post,
astronaut - by astronomical standards, the star AlphaThe Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press,
Centauri, about four light-years away, can still beand others. His articles have ranged from humor to
considered a "small detour" from the sun. So threescientific to topical events. Visit his site: shopndrop.