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Airport Delays

The time you spend at an airport could a "small detour" from the sun. So three
cut days off your vacation.This is the thousand miles off course is certainly a
time of year when many people interrupt "minor miscalculation." You suddenly feel
their busy lives to get away from it all. lucky to still be inside the solar
Some call it a vacation. Others call it system.In an effort to calm some of the
"ten days at the airport." The airlines irate passengers, the pilot adds that the
don't care what you call it as long as stopover will be "short." Now you go into
you're literate enough to understand the a panic. Does he mean "short" like in
meaning of the two most important words "small" and "minor?" That could be a
in the English language -- "delayed" and major problem -- the lease on your
"cancelled." In fact, these two words are apartment runs out in a few short months.
more important than learning how to use a You try explaining to the stewardess that
life jacket. Because the odds of going you can't afford "short" stopovers -- you
down in a plane these days are very slim, tied your dog down to a pole at Kennedy
due to the fact that the odds of going up airport, not expecting to be gone for too
in one in the first place is practically long. You get the typical response, "Am I
nil. But not fully comprehending these flying the plane?" I usually respond,
two words can mean spending days at an "Well neither is the pilot -- how about
airport, literally not knowing whether letting me take a shot at it?"Naturally,
you're coming or going.The inefficiency the "short" stopover turns into another
of some airlines brings a very disturbing long, airport coffee interlude. You now
thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon been rack up enough cups to become an honorary
dependent on this mode of transportation, citizen of Brazil, and wind up with
there's a good chance Florida would have enough caffeine in your system to revive
been discovered by Cuban "boat people." a comatose patient just by breathing in
Americans, as a result, would have been his direction. Then comes the good news:
deprived of an abundance of robust sleeping on your suitcase at an El Paso
sunshine, not to mention a lot of airport is a lot safer than sleeping
wholesome orange juice. And god knows how inside a vault in some New York
Don Johnson's career would've gotten neighborhoods. That's really great news.
started.To say that planes seldom take Next time you'll bring along your safe
off on time is like saying chickens deposit box.You eventually take off
seldom ride bicycles. And when the former again. This time you know your plane is
does happen, it's almost as amazing as headed in the right direction because the
the latter. Spending eight frustrating pilot is using a new navigational method
hours in an airline terminal building -- he's following a flock of migrating
drinking coffee, reading newspapers, and Hummingbirds. The reasoning behind this
catnapping as you wait to board a plane, is very simple: you never see a flock of
makes you wonder whether the Hummingbirds stranded inside a terminal
advertisement, "Come, fly with us," building. Conclusion: they must know
really means, "Come, stay with us."You where they're going.You land in Florida,
finally board a plane, and, "Fly our kiss the ground, quickly run over to the
friendly skies," begins to sound more luggage carousel, and have horrifying
like, "Taxi our friendly runways" - an visions about kissing your suitcase
hour later you're still on the ground. good-by. The suitcase situation is like a
And you're sure the pilot must be mystical experience - you spend a fortune
breaking in either the tires or the on a suitcase with all sorts of locks and
runway. Your only hope is that the zippers so that not even Houdini could
airline isn't breaking in the pilot.That get in, then you need a psychic to find
long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally it. And this is what makes or breaks a
arrives as a total shock. It's the last vacation. Ultimately, you'll find two
thing you expect. You wonder, is it kinds of people in a vacation resort:
really happening, or are you in a flight those who are having a good time, and
simulator? You order a meal, and, sure those who've lost their suitcases at the
enough, it confirms your trip's airport. Yet, people never learn. There
unquestionable reality - although flights are precautions you can take to greatly
can be simulated, no technology on earth reduce the chances of a lost-suitcase
is advanced enough to artificially catastrophe. When flying to Florida, for
recreate a malnourished tuna fish instance, always ship your luggage to
sandwich and a small, skinny pickle on Okinawa. This covers you from two angles.
the side which look as "good" as the First, your luggage is highly unlikely to
originals. This is the real thing ever arrive in Okinawa, and therefore has
alright!You sit back. You relax. And the a better chance of arriving in Florida
worst is over.Not quite.Only a short than if you had sent it to Florida to
while into the flight, the pilot comes on begin with. Then, in the unlikely event
the PA system: "Good evening, ladies and that your luggage does arrive in Okinawa,
gentlemen, this is your captain you must remember that for you, as a
speaking." (It's a good thing pilots passenger on a domestic flight, to wind
always precede their announcements with up in Okinawa is not all that improbable.
this phrase. Otherwise, passengers might So, no matter what happens, there's a
think it's Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, good chance you'll have what to wear.Josh
announcing a K-Mart special.) The pilot Greenberger: A computer consultant for
announces that due to a "minor over two decades, the author has
miscalculation" the plane will be making developed software for such organizations
a "small" detour through El Paso, Texas. as NASA's Goddard Institute of Space
You quickly take out your calculator and Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell
try to figure out how a plane on a two Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank.
and a half hour, non-stop flight from New Since 1984, the author's literary works
York to Florida can make a "small" detour have appeared in such periodicals as The
through El Paso, Texas. Your only answer New York Post, The Daily News, The
is that the pilot must be an aspiring Village Voice, The Jewish Press, and
astronaut - by astronomical standards, others. His articles have ranged from
the star Alpha Centauri, about four humor to scientific to topical events.
light-years away, can still be considered Visit his site: shopndrop.




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