| The time you spend at an airport could cut days off | | | | thousand miles off course is certainly a "minor |
| your vacation.This is the time of year when many | | | | miscalculation." You suddenly feel lucky to still be |
| people interrupt their busy lives to get away from it | | | | inside the solar system.In an effort to calm some of |
| all. Some call it a vacation. Others call it "ten days at | | | | the irate passengers, the pilot adds that the |
| the airport." The airlines don't care what you call it as | | | | stopover will be "short." Now you go into a panic. |
| long as you're literate enough to understand the | | | | Does he mean "short" like in "small" and "minor?" That |
| meaning of the two most important words in the | | | | could be a major problem -- the lease on your |
| English language -- "delayed" and "cancelled." In fact, | | | | apartment runs out in a few short months. You try |
| these two words are more important than learning | | | | explaining to the stewardess that you can't afford |
| how to use a life jacket. Because the odds of going | | | | "short" stopovers -- you tied your dog down to a |
| down in a plane these days are very slim, due to the | | | | pole at Kennedy airport, not expecting to be gone |
| fact that the odds of going up in one in the first | | | | for too long. You get the typical response, "Am I |
| place is practically nil. But not fully comprehending | | | | flying the plane?" I usually respond, "Well neither is |
| these two words can mean spending days at an | | | | the pilot -- how about letting me take a shot at |
| airport, literally not knowing whether you're coming or | | | | it?"Naturally, the "short" stopover turns into another |
| going.The inefficiency of some airlines brings a very | | | | long, airport coffee interlude. You now rack up |
| disturbing thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon been | | | | enough cups to become an honorary citizen of Brazil, |
| dependent on this mode of transportation, there's a | | | | and wind up with enough caffeine in your system to |
| good chance Florida would have been discovered by | | | | revive a comatose patient just by breathing in his |
| Cuban "boat people." Americans, as a result, would | | | | direction. Then comes the good news: sleeping on |
| have been deprived of an abundance of robust | | | | your suitcase at an El Paso airport is a lot safer than |
| sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome orange | | | | sleeping inside a vault in some New York |
| juice. And god knows how Don Johnson's career | | | | neighborhoods. That's really great news. Next time |
| would've gotten started.To say that planes seldom | | | | you'll bring along your safe deposit box.You eventually |
| take off on time is like saying chickens seldom ride | | | | take off again. This time you know your plane is |
| bicycles. And when the former does happen, it's | | | | headed in the right direction because the pilot is using |
| almost as amazing as the latter. Spending eight | | | | a new navigational method -- he's following a flock of |
| frustrating hours in an airline terminal building drinking | | | | migrating Hummingbirds. The reasoning behind this is |
| coffee, reading newspapers, and catnapping as you | | | | very simple: you never see a flock of Hummingbirds |
| wait to board a plane, makes you wonder whether | | | | stranded inside a terminal building. Conclusion: they |
| the advertisement, "Come, fly with us," really means, | | | | must know where they're going.You land in Florida, |
| "Come, stay with us."You finally board a plane, and, | | | | kiss the ground, quickly run over to the luggage |
| "Fly our friendly skies," begins to sound more like, | | | | carousel, and have horrifying visions about kissing |
| "Taxi our friendly runways" - an hour later you're still | | | | your suitcase good-by. The suitcase situation is like a |
| on the ground. And you're sure the pilot must be | | | | mystical experience - you spend a fortune on a |
| breaking in either the tires or the runway. Your only | | | | suitcase with all sorts of locks and zippers so that |
| hope is that the airline isn't breaking in the pilot.That | | | | not even Houdini could get in, then you need a |
| long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally arrives as a | | | | psychic to find it. And this is what makes or breaks a |
| total shock. It's the last thing you expect. You | | | | vacation. Ultimately, you'll find two kinds of people in |
| wonder, is it really happening, or are you in a flight | | | | a vacation resort: those who are having a good time, |
| simulator? You order a meal, and, sure enough, it | | | | and those who've lost their suitcases at the airport. |
| confirms your trip's unquestionable reality - although | | | | Yet, people never learn. There are precautions you |
| flights can be simulated, no technology on earth is | | | | can take to greatly reduce the chances of a |
| advanced enough to artificially recreate a | | | | lost-suitcase catastrophe. When flying to Florida, for |
| malnourished tuna fish sandwich and a small, skinny | | | | instance, always ship your luggage to Okinawa. This |
| pickle on the side which look as "good" as the | | | | covers you from two angles. First, your luggage is |
| originals. This is the real thing alright!You sit back. You | | | | highly unlikely to ever arrive in Okinawa, and |
| relax. And the worst is over.Not quite.Only a short | | | | therefore has a better chance of arriving in Florida |
| while into the flight, the pilot comes on the PA | | | | than if you had sent it to Florida to begin with. Then, |
| system: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is | | | | in the unlikely event that your luggage does arrive in |
| your captain speaking." (It's a good thing pilots always | | | | Okinawa, you must remember that for you, as a |
| precede their announcements with this phrase. | | | | passenger on a domestic flight, to wind up in |
| Otherwise, passengers might think it's Francisco | | | | Okinawa is not all that improbable. So, no matter |
| Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a K-Mart special.) The | | | | what happens, there's a good chance you'll have |
| pilot announces that due to a "minor miscalculation" | | | | what to wear.Josh Greenberger: A computer |
| the plane will be making a "small" detour through El | | | | consultant for over two decades, the author has |
| Paso, Texas. You quickly take out your calculator and | | | | developed software for such organizations as NASA's |
| try to figure out how a plane on a two and a half | | | | Goddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, Charles |
| hour, non-stop flight from New York to Florida can | | | | Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank. |
| make a "small" detour through El Paso, Texas. Your | | | | Since 1984, the author's literary works have |
| only answer is that the pilot must be an aspiring | | | | appeared in such periodicals as The New York Post, |
| astronaut - by astronomical standards, the star Alpha | | | | The Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, |
| Centauri, about four light-years away, can still be | | | | and others. His articles have ranged from humor to |
| considered a "small detour" from the sun. So three | | | | scientific to topical events. Visit his site: shopndrop. |