| The time you spend at an airport could
| |
| | a "small detour" from the sun. So three
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| cut days off your vacation.This is the
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| | thousand miles off course is certainly a
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| time of year when many people interrupt
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| | "minor miscalculation." You suddenly feel
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| their busy lives to get away from it all.
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| | lucky to still be inside the solar
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| Some call it a vacation. Others call it
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| | system.In an effort to calm some of the
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| "ten days at the airport." The airlines
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| | irate passengers, the pilot adds that the
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| don't care what you call it as long as
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| | stopover will be "short." Now you go into
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| you're literate enough to understand the
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| | a panic. Does he mean "short" like in
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| meaning of the two most important words
| |
| | "small" and "minor?" That could be a
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| in the English language -- "delayed" and
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| | major problem -- the lease on your
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| "cancelled." In fact, these two words are
| |
| | apartment runs out in a few short months.
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| more important than learning how to use a
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| | You try explaining to the stewardess that
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| life jacket. Because the odds of going
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| | you can't afford "short" stopovers -- you
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| down in a plane these days are very slim,
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| | tied your dog down to a pole at Kennedy
|
| due to the fact that the odds of going up
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| | airport, not expecting to be gone for too
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| in one in the first place is practically
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| | long. You get the typical response, "Am I
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| nil. But not fully comprehending these
| |
| | flying the plane?" I usually respond,
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| two words can mean spending days at an
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| | "Well neither is the pilot -- how about
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| airport, literally not knowing whether
| |
| | letting me take a shot at it?"Naturally,
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| you're coming or going.The inefficiency
| |
| | the "short" stopover turns into another
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| of some airlines brings a very disturbing
| |
| | long, airport coffee interlude. You now
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| thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon been
| |
| | rack up enough cups to become an honorary
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| dependent on this mode of transportation,
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| | citizen of Brazil, and wind up with
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| there's a good chance Florida would have
| |
| | enough caffeine in your system to revive
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| been discovered by Cuban "boat people."
| |
| | a comatose patient just by breathing in
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| Americans, as a result, would have been
| |
| | his direction. Then comes the good news:
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| deprived of an abundance of robust
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| | sleeping on your suitcase at an El Paso
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| sunshine, not to mention a lot of
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| | airport is a lot safer than sleeping
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| wholesome orange juice. And god knows how
| |
| | inside a vault in some New York
|
| Don Johnson's career would've gotten
| |
| | neighborhoods. That's really great news.
|
| started.To say that planes seldom take
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| | Next time you'll bring along your safe
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| off on time is like saying chickens
| |
| | deposit box.You eventually take off
|
| seldom ride bicycles. And when the former
| |
| | again. This time you know your plane is
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| does happen, it's almost as amazing as
| |
| | headed in the right direction because the
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| the latter. Spending eight frustrating
| |
| | pilot is using a new navigational method
|
| hours in an airline terminal building
| |
| | -- he's following a flock of migrating
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| drinking coffee, reading newspapers, and
| |
| | Hummingbirds. The reasoning behind this
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| catnapping as you wait to board a plane,
| |
| | is very simple: you never see a flock of
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| makes you wonder whether the
| |
| | Hummingbirds stranded inside a terminal
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| advertisement, "Come, fly with us,"
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| | building. Conclusion: they must know
|
| really means, "Come, stay with us."You
| |
| | where they're going.You land in Florida,
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| finally board a plane, and, "Fly our
| |
| | kiss the ground, quickly run over to the
|
| friendly skies," begins to sound more
| |
| | luggage carousel, and have horrifying
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| like, "Taxi our friendly runways" - an
| |
| | visions about kissing your suitcase
|
| hour later you're still on the ground.
| |
| | good-by. The suitcase situation is like a
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| And you're sure the pilot must be
| |
| | mystical experience - you spend a fortune
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| breaking in either the tires or the
| |
| | on a suitcase with all sorts of locks and
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| runway. Your only hope is that the
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| | zippers so that not even Houdini could
|
| airline isn't breaking in the pilot.That
| |
| | get in, then you need a psychic to find
|
| long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally
| |
| | it. And this is what makes or breaks a
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| arrives as a total shock. It's the last
| |
| | vacation. Ultimately, you'll find two
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| thing you expect. You wonder, is it
| |
| | kinds of people in a vacation resort:
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| really happening, or are you in a flight
| |
| | those who are having a good time, and
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| simulator? You order a meal, and, sure
| |
| | those who've lost their suitcases at the
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| enough, it confirms your trip's
| |
| | airport. Yet, people never learn. There
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| unquestionable reality - although flights
| |
| | are precautions you can take to greatly
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| can be simulated, no technology on earth
| |
| | reduce the chances of a lost-suitcase
|
| is advanced enough to artificially
| |
| | catastrophe. When flying to Florida, for
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| recreate a malnourished tuna fish
| |
| | instance, always ship your luggage to
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| sandwich and a small, skinny pickle on
| |
| | Okinawa. This covers you from two angles.
|
| the side which look as "good" as the
| |
| | First, your luggage is highly unlikely to
|
| originals. This is the real thing
| |
| | ever arrive in Okinawa, and therefore has
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| alright!You sit back. You relax. And the
| |
| | a better chance of arriving in Florida
|
| worst is over.Not quite.Only a short
| |
| | than if you had sent it to Florida to
|
| while into the flight, the pilot comes on
| |
| | begin with. Then, in the unlikely event
|
| the PA system: "Good evening, ladies and
| |
| | that your luggage does arrive in Okinawa,
|
| gentlemen, this is your captain
| |
| | you must remember that for you, as a
|
| speaking." (It's a good thing pilots
| |
| | passenger on a domestic flight, to wind
|
| always precede their announcements with
| |
| | up in Okinawa is not all that improbable.
|
| this phrase. Otherwise, passengers might
| |
| | So, no matter what happens, there's a
|
| think it's Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez,
| |
| | good chance you'll have what to wear.Josh
|
| announcing a K-Mart special.) The pilot
| |
| | Greenberger: A computer consultant for
|
| announces that due to a "minor
| |
| | over two decades, the author has
|
| miscalculation" the plane will be making
| |
| | developed software for such organizations
|
| a "small" detour through El Paso, Texas.
| |
| | as NASA's Goddard Institute of Space
|
| You quickly take out your calculator and
| |
| | Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell
|
| try to figure out how a plane on a two
| |
| | Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank.
|
| and a half hour, non-stop flight from New
| |
| | Since 1984, the author's literary works
|
| York to Florida can make a "small" detour
| |
| | have appeared in such periodicals as The
|
| through El Paso, Texas. Your only answer
| |
| | New York Post, The Daily News, The
|
| is that the pilot must be an aspiring
| |
| | Village Voice, The Jewish Press, and
|
| astronaut - by astronomical standards,
| |
| | others. His articles have ranged from
|
| the star Alpha Centauri, about four
| |
| | humor to scientific to topical events.
|
| light-years away, can still be considered
| |
| | Visit his site: shopndrop.
|
